“Time waits for no man, unless said man is in his retirement years. And said man can surely enjoy some peace and tranquility” as the old saying goes. Try telling that to a certain Mr Bradley Wiggins-Sir. In the year and a half since hanging up his bike to leisurely wile away his time at the regattadrome he has had none of the promised calm.
Since the Fancy Bears hack at the Rio Olympics he has had to endure more attacks from the cycling world than he did from Chris Froome in the 2012 Tour. If you mention TUE’s, triamcinilone, Jiffy bags or the Daily Mail to most people only one of those would have them recoiling in terror. But such has been Mr Bradley’s retirement that the mere hint of any of them would have him coming out in cold sweats and resembling a rabid Audi driver. Pictures of all four of them have now been etched onto his retinas and have sent him into some kind of a Clockwork Orange nightmare. However “Wiggo-Sir” has still found the strength for the fight to keep his reputation intact. Even after Mondays damning DCMS report he was out giving his side of the story and it may be the case that he could eventually ride the storm. Years from now he may still have all his titles and judging his legacy will be an exercise in semantics.
That was all true until I got a phone call late last night.
A man who said he wouldn’t identify himself reached me on my private line and said he had information that would eclipse all of the shenanigans that Wiggins-Sir has been involved in and finish him faster than an off-season Jan Ullrich would finish a pie.
I was expecting some information that linked Wiggins-Sir to the old style doping practices of the EPO enthusiasts from the noughties but what I heard was much worse. My contact revealed to me that in the past, during his time at Team Sky, the “Geezer from Ghent” always headed out onto the roads during extremely windy days. This odd practice wasn’t a ploy to get better at riding in echelons but to bag some Strava KOM’s! I was assured that if there was a strong east to west gust then Wiggins-Sir would head in the same direction. What’s more he, allegedly, posted turbo rides which never happened to increase his yearly distance and gain Kudos from his followers.
I was keen to make sure this information was genuine before publishing. After the phone call I listened back over the conversation to try and work out the identity of the source. However the softly spoken monotonous tones soon made me feel sleepy.
A few minutes later the whistle-blower sent me an email. It contained evidence such as strava files and weather reports which pretty much made this an open and shut case but I thought that I should let Mr Bradley Wiggins-Sir have his say too.
“Listen ere Giles”, he said. “This is just ere say and mud slingin. I just went out cycling, which way the wind blows is out of my control. Where are you getting this info anyway? He’s just making me an unwitting porn”. He maybe right but it isn’t “50 Shades of Grey Areas” it’s “Striptease” and the thing which is getting striped is Wiggins-Sir’s titles.
It has been almost three months since the Fancy Bears international hack team leaked the medical documents which showed Bradley Wiggins had received three highly questionable medical treatments during his days as a Grand Tour contender. It has been two months since the revelation of a potentially sinister package being transported across Europe by Team Sky employees. It seemed for a while that Wiggins and Sky’s worlds could come crashing down. The one man who could have helped the situation, David Brailsford, has remained fairly quiet, possibly wanting the whole thing to blow over. After a period of relative respite that tactic may have been working but things will start hotting up again as on Monday the 19th of December Brailsford will need to appear in front of the Culture, Media and Sport Select Committee in Parliament.
With the story being quite a mess and so many unanswered questions I sent my undercover reporter, the well known historian and cyclist, Giles Ripwell on the case to summarise what has been going on and try to answer the what everyone wants to know.
Ripwell Reports. What’s In The Jiffy Bag?
It has been over a year since I last rubbed shoulders with the fellow going by the name of Mr Bradley Wiggins-Sir. I was riding for his side TEAM wiggins in the Tour de of Britain and remember having jolly good chats with him during the stages. Since then I hadn’t heard much from him. Apparently the British weather had finally got to much for him in his old age and he would only cycle on the indoors roads doing Olympic Pursuits. I thought he had forgotten his old pal Giles until he called me in July. He was very emotional and explained to me through sobs that the dastardly Mr Chris Froomes had won another yellow jersey. A couple of months later I heard from him again but this time he was in much better spirits. Jingos! He had won another Olympic gold medal and told me it was now Wiggo-Sir 5 FroomesDog 0. Since then, as you might have heard, he has been involved in a touch of controversy and I was sent on the case to find out was has been happening. I tried contacting him to see if he could give me any information but I was told that he’s only talking to his new best friend, some fellow going by the name of Mr Andrew Marr. So with Mr Wiggins-Sir gone quiet I had to figure out what has been happening myself.
The whole situation started in September when some Russian computer buffs started a fancy new website where you can go and look at medical files of athletes that have been in the Olympics. It caused quite a stir to begin with until everyone realised that most of the athletes medical information was stuff we already knew or contained information on drugs and medical practices which everyone has agreed for a while should be more tightly monitored. Unfortunately for Mr Bradley Wiggins-Sir his information was among that of a small group of people who’s information raised some alarm bells. Three of Wiggins-Sir’s courses of drugs looked highly suspicious and one of those was just before the Tour de France which he won against Mr Chris Froomes. I have complete faith in my good friend though and firmly believe that those drugs were taken for genuine medical reasons and not to enhance his performance. There would be no need for him to dishonestly take any drugs to win the race as I’ve been told of an unsavoury character calling himself Mr Sean Yaytes who would have brought harm to anyone trying to beat Mr Wiggins-Sir, including his team mate the scoundrel Mr Froomes.