My recap of the final stage of the Tour de of Britain comes a day late. TEAM wiggins had cause to celebrate after the end as our rider, a certain Mr Owen Doull finished third overall and ended up on, what they call in cycling competitions, ‘The Podium’. And by by jingos! Mr Wiggins-Sir can party! He introduced me to a concoction called a ‘Yager Bomber’ and after 2 of them I was quite worse for wear!
The route went round and round and round London taking in many of the tourist structures of the town. As well as piccadilly circus, now closed after revelations of cruelty to some of its performing animals, we went passed Whitehall, The Strand and The Trafalgar Square. The Trafalgar Square commemorates a decisive battle in the Boer War won by the British army lead by a sea-faring fellow called Mr Horatio Nelsan. A nearby statue, called Nelsans column, was built to honour him and it is one of the biggest erections in London.
Mr Bradley Wiggins-Sir told me that he won an Olympic gold medal in London and made sure I was aware that Mr Chris Froom had never won a medal of any description.
Eli Viviani won the stage after my good friend Andrew Greipel was disqualified and Eddie Bosan-Haggen won the competition overall.
Today saw us ride through Suffolk and Norfolk known as the farming capital of England. The area produced the food for the Pharaoh’s of the country in the olden age. The gradual undulations in the terrain had quite a calming effect on me and I was about to dirft off as we passed near Banham Zoo when, ?!What the blinking jingos are those furry things looking this way and that?! I decided to ask the animal expert of the peleton, a German chap going by the name of Herr Andrew ‘the gorilla’ Greipel what they were. He told me that they’re called mere cats. When I enquired after their unsettling neck movements he told me, in his best English I’m sure, “They are pray to other animals”. They should probably dispense with such superstitious nonsense and remain stiff necked like the rest of us! Mr Wiggins-Sir told me that Mr Froom used to feed cute little mere cats to his pet snake when he was younger.
The finish town of Ipswich is the birthplace of one Mr Geoffrey Chaucer said to be the inspiration of modern day novelist and nobel prize for literature winner Mr E.L.James.
The man I mentioned before, Herr Greipel, won the stage and Mr Hagen still leads overall.
Today we started in Stoke-on-Trent which was built on the burial site of the first King of the Britons, a gentleman called Trent. We went through the Peak District so went over many climbs. The Peak District is often called ‘The heart of Britain’. Mr Bradley Wiggins-Sir told me that his heart is always in Britain and his blood runs red, white and blue unlike Chris Frooms. He told me Mr Froom comes from an African area called Kenya. When I asked him which part this splendid country he comes from he just stroked his beard and looked longingly into the distance.
Nottingham has seen three stage finishes, the last in 1964 was won by one Mr Robin Hood of Team Raleigh before failing a doping test.
Marty Trentin won today and Eddie Bosan-Haggen retained the lead.
Today’s stage was the toughest so far as it had a summit finish atop Hartside Fell in Cumbria. The inclusion of this difficult finish and the absence of a time trial may scupper Mr Wiggins-Sir’s chances of winning the competition this year. He seems sure that Mr Froom and a fellow going by the name of Mr Davey Brailsford-Sir are behind these aspects of the route. Before we got to the finish we passed the site of the Ullswater Steamers, a prehistoric tribe who’s diet consists purely if alcohol. After this we passed through Penrith. Originally located in Wales, Penrith was moved to the Lake District in the 60’s so its townsfolk would be closer to the Keswick pencil museum, the best museum of its type in Britain.
Walter Poels won on the final climb. Eddie Bosan-Haggen was second and took over the race lead. But crikey! What a wizard ride from my teammate Owen Doull who stays 5th overall.
Today saw us start in Edinburgh, the location of the final of the recent Tour de of the Scotland won by the magnificent Raymondo Barr. The start up the royal mile had to be neutralised as cycling is done in kilometres and nobody would have known how far we would have gone. Then …. blimey! What a corker of a structure! Edinburgh Castle! Carved out of a volcano 5000 yesrs ago but still looking spectacular. I asked Mr Bradley Wiggins-Sir if he had ever been in a castle and he said no. Later on in the day he rode up to me and said “Listen here Giles Ripwell. I may not have been in a castle but I’ve been to the London structure Buckingham Palace to see the Queen. I got a knighthood from the old lady. Chris Froom doesn’t have a knighthood, not one not two, none!”.
The route went through Midlothian and the Scottish Borders and we ambled through Amble. Seriously though, it was a tough day and the longest of the race competition. It was an emotional day for myself and fellow Scots Andrew Fen and Tao Gagenhart as we don’t get to see our homeland much but we were happy to see the finish line in Blyth, North East England, the area most famous for being the birthplace of Jimy Nail.
Ferdinand Gaviria won todays stage and Lobato stays in the race lead.
Today we went from Cockermouth to Kelso. The less said about the start town the better don’t you think? It sounds like some of the words Mr Wiggins-Sir has been calling Mr Froome! Soon after leaving that place we passed the house of famous new romantic lyricist William Wordsworth and headed for Carlisle. Before going into Scotland the route roughly followed the path of a wall built by a roman gentleman going by the name of Adrian in the late 20’s. With concerns about the local salmon population, and some knowledge of walls, I asked fellow rider and fish expert, a certain Mr Taylor Finney, whether there was a fish ladder on Adrian’s Wall. He said, wuite abruptly “That’s a damn wall you’re thinking of”. “Well this is a ruddy well wall!” was my reply. Honesty, the language in the peleton is straight from the gutter at times. After a few small climbs late on the stage finished at Floors Castle which was originally built as a Quick Step showroom by one Mr Patrick Lefevre when he took some time off from blaming other people from his teams woes.
Eli Viviani won the stage, his second, and John Lobato took the overall lead after Pete Vucak crashed late on.
Today’s stage took place mainly in the Pendle district of England. Famous for its mint cake, Pendle is also known for ‘The Pendle Witch Trials’ know locally as ‘The Race of Truth’. This quite macabre tale tells of 10 local folk being found guilty of practicing witchcraft! Pah, it’s all hocus pocus if you ask me! Seriously though, Mr Bradley Wiggins-Sir said that Mr Chris Froomes good wife should have probably be tried as a witch. By jingos! What a way to talk about a lady!
The day had three climbs. The first, called Nick O’Pendle, was where a certain Mr Chris Boardman won the national hill climb championships in 1988 and the last was named Pendle Big End in his honour.
After yesterday’s victory for Eli Viviani I decided to ask one of his team mates what were the reasons for Team Sky’s recent successes. He told me it was because there was no I in Team Sky, and then muttered something about “since Paris Roubaix”.
The finish town of Colne is famous for its cotton industry as the climate is perfect for the growing of cotton.
Peter Vakoc of EQS won the stage, John Lobato was second and Edward Bosan Hagen of MTNQ was third. Vakoc leads the GC.
Giles Ripwell of TEAM wiggins has agreed to write a blog from the Tour of Britain.
Stage 1. Beaumaris to Wrexham.
Blimey! Here I am at the start of the Tour de of Britain about to commence a cycling competition for Bradley Wiggins-Sir’s TEAM wiggins.
Here is my route guide:
The start is in Beaumaris, which means beautiful potato, next to a lovely castle. Crikey! It’s a corker! It was built by a French chap going by the name of Henry Degrange for the start of the 1456 Tour de France and is now a local tourist attraction.
The route goes through the north of Whales then… hang on a ruddy well minute, what’s that in the sky?! Mountain Snowdon, that’s what. Often considered to be the highest structure in Whales, this mountain, or mount for short, was built in the 60’s to allow hill walkers to reach the top of the railway line there. Further along the way we will pass Betws-y-Coed and Betws-y-Andreu before finishing in Wrexham where the famous Racehorse Ground still holds international polo matches. Recently the towns hipster population have started playing bike polo there.
During the race Mr Bradley Wiggins-Sir was telling us about a gentleman going by the name of Mr Chris Froom. But jings, don’t let Mr Wiggins-Sir here you call him a gentleman! By the sound of things he was quite the rotter. Apparently he tried to steal a yellow jersey from him when they were holidaying in France.
My boss finished in the bunch and the stage was won by a Mr Eli Viviani of Team Sky. Mark CVNDSH of OPQS was second and a huge fellow called Andrew Greipel was third.