Ripwell Reports. What’s In The Jiffy Bag?

It has been almost three months since the Fancy Bears international hack team leaked the medical documents which showed Bradley Wiggins had received three highly questionable medical treatments during his days as a Grand Tour contender. It has been two months since the revelation of a potentially sinister package being transported across Europe by Team Sky employees. It seemed for a while that Wiggins and Sky’s worlds could come crashing down. The one man who could have helped the situation, David Brailsford, has remained fairly quiet, possibly wanting the whole thing to blow over. After a period of relative respite that tactic may have been working but things will start hotting up again as on Monday the 19th of December Brailsford will need to appear in front of the Culture, Media and Sport Select Committee in Parliament.

With the story being quite a mess and so many unanswered questions I sent my undercover reporter, the well known historian and cyclist, Giles Ripwell on the case to summarise what has been going on and try to answer the what everyone wants to know.

Ripwell Reports. What’s In The Jiffy Bag?

It has been over a year since I last rubbed shoulders with the fellow going by the name of Mr Bradley Wiggins-Sir. I was riding for his side TEAM wiggins in the Tour de of Britain and remember having jolly good chats with him during the stages. Since then I hadn’t heard much from him. Apparently the British weather had finally got to much for him in his old age and he would only cycle on the indoors roads doing Olympic Pursuits. I thought he had forgotten his old pal Giles until he called me in July. He was very emotional and explained to me through sobs that the dastardly Mr Chris Froomes had won another yellow jersey. A couple of months later I heard from him again but this time he was in much better spirits. Jingos! He had won another Olympic gold medal and told me it was now Wiggo-Sir 5 FroomesDog 0. Since then, as you might have heard, he has been involved in a touch of controversy and I was sent on the case to find out was has been happening. I tried contacting him to see if he could give me any information but I was told that he’s only talking to his new best friend, some fellow going by the name of Mr Andrew Marr. So with Mr Wiggins-Sir gone quiet I had to figure out what has been happening myself.

The whole situation started in September when some Russian computer buffs started a fancy new website where you can go and look at medical files of athletes that have been in the Olympics. It caused quite a stir to begin with until everyone realised that most of the athletes medical information was stuff we already knew or contained information on drugs and medical practices which everyone has agreed for a while should be more tightly monitored. Unfortunately for Mr Bradley Wiggins-Sir his information was among that of a small group of people who’s information raised some alarm bells. Three of Wiggins-Sir’s courses of drugs looked highly suspicious and one of those was just before the Tour de France which he won against Mr Chris Froomes. I have complete faith in my good friend though and firmly believe that those drugs were taken for genuine medical reasons and not to enhance his performance. There would be no need for him to dishonestly take any drugs to win the race as I’ve been told of an unsavoury character calling himself Mr Sean Yaytes who would have brought harm to anyone trying to beat Mr Wiggins-Sir, including his team mate the scoundrel Mr Froomes.

The criticism being dished out hasn’t just been reserved for Mr Bradley though. His old principle and namesake, a gentleman going by the name of Mr David Brailsford-Sir has been getting pelters from the cycling press too. As well as the supposedly dodgy medication there has been the issue of a certain jiffy bag delivered to TEAM sky by one Mr Copes at the end of the Dauphine cycle race in 2011. The way Mr Brailsford-Sir has dealt with the situation has been deemed unsatisfactory by some. People want to know why Wiggins-Sir was allowed such strong medication for hay fever but more so they are at there whits end trying to find out what was in the jiffy bag. Mr David, who has apparently claimed his team would be open and transparent, has remained pretty silent on the matter which is why he has received so much criticism. But there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this and it’s down to a misunderstanding. Just as some people didn’t understand Mr Wiggins-Sir when he said he didn’t take injections, (some folk thought this meant all injections for some reason but he was only referring to intravenous injections) there is confusion over Mr David’s mission statement for Sky. It is believed that he has said TEAM sky will be transparent but it is obvious to me that what he actually said was transpadane. And as Manchester is North of the River Po, he surely has nothing to answer for. Even if he did say transparent some people seem to be forgetting that he took part in an interview with The Cycling Podcast which provided some clarity to the situation:

But people understandably want to know what was in the jiffy bag. I want to ruddy well know too so I decided to ask one of my contacts who would have inside information on TEAM sky:

Unfortunately nothing was forthcoming from my extensive investigations so I am reduced to my highly educated guesses.

My first thought was that the jiffy bag, which is actually a rather fancy envelope rather than a satchel, contained the first draft of Mr Bradley’s acceptance speech which he used after his 2012 Tour de France victory. What a wizard jape about a raffle that was! Blimey! You wouldn’t blame him for wanting a team employee to closely guard that comedy gold over a few borders. It has since been revealed that the package contained medical supplies though so that idea was out. “Hold on! Medical supplies! For a cyclist! Surely it must EP ruddy well O!” I hear you say. Well just hold on there a minute. UKAD have investigated Mr Simon Copes’ package and say it’s nothing out of the ordinary. I have to say I was running out of ideas but then I remembered something Mr Wiggins-Sir said to me during the Tour de of Britain. We were talking about the time he met Her Majesties The Queen to get his knighthood. I asked him if Mr Chris had got a knighthood. He replied “Nah, don’t be effin silly. The closest ees been to the effin Queen is when ees with Michelle because she’s a royal pain in the arse”. Geronimo! That’s it! Mr Copes was delivering hemorrhoid cream to Mr Froomes! But that couldn’t be it either as Mr Froomes wasn’t at the same race as Mr Wiggins-Sir. So if it was something medical that isn’t a banned substance but isn’t hemorrhoid cream?

Of course! It seems so obvious! You will all be kicking yourselves my Mr David undoubtedly reveals all in parliament.

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